Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts

Need-Meeting

Maybe you've seen Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid,


the basic theory of which is that the most fundamental needs (at the bottom of the pyramid) must be met before the higher-up needs can be addressed.

One would think that given this information, society would make it a point to ensure that the basic needs of its community were being met.  Which, by extension, would mean that society would prioritize the preservation of jobs that work to meet these needs.

And yet, not so much.  For the past five years, I've been teaching children of incarcerated parents--helping them to understand the prison system and how it works, facilitating circles in which they are encouraged to share their experiences with parental arrest, and working to help them feel less alone.  Not only do I believe that this is important because of the emotional impact it has on these young folks, but I like to believe that programs like mine help to break the cycle of incarceration that almost seems inevitable.

My program is one of dozens being cut by the city of San Francisco.  I can't point fingers because I'm not sure it's anyone's fault anymore.  Last year, when our program was cut (we received last-minute "addback" funding last year, but this year it doesn't look like there's any available), I went with some of my students and some fellow teachers to City Hall to speak to the budget committee about why it was crucial that our program get funded.  Walking in, I felt confident that I'd be able to persuade the budget committee members to give my program the money, because surely they'd see that it was doing more important work than many of the others in our position.

But then I heard all the other people speak, and my heart sank:  San Francisco's Department of Children, Youth, and their Families was cutting not only my program for kids impacted by the prison system, but a shelter for homeless teens; a community LGBTQ clinic for teens who were being bullied, harassed, and/or pushed away from their homes; a job-training organization for at-risk youth; the Filipino Community Center; a violence prevention program in the schools . . . the list goes on and on.  

I saw this political cartoon the other day:


It's more sad than it is funny, huh?  I have a terminal Masters degree, and in just a month and a half, I won't have a job.  I will, of course, begin applying like a madwoman for jobs in my field, but the grim reality is that my field is sinking right now.  When Schwarzenegger was governor*, he cut the funding for all arts education in the prisons (these very arts ed programs were proving to prevent recidivism, by the way, ultimately saving taxpayers money).  With that went my dream of becoming an Artist Facilitator at a California State Prison.

When I told a friend (who is a doctor) that I was feeling lost and considering going back to graduate school to get a degree in Social Work, her first reaction was:

"Are you sure you want to go to school for something that's not going to make you any money?"

It stopped me in my tracks, and I was overcome with sadness and frustration that those of us who have a "calling" to work in fields that help people whose basic needs aren't being met, with those most marginalized in society, hardly make enough money to survive.

The difference between an MFA and an MBA is incredible, isn't it?  

I hate complaining, I really do, but sometimes I'm appalled that I went to graduate school and have a legitimate "career" and yet I have to babysit at least four evenings a week to supplement my income.  And the prison job?  That's totally volunteer.

Thanks for bearing with me through this long and winding spiel that is ultimately a big downer.  And if you don't mind, keep your fingers crossed that something good comes my way soon . . . so that I don't end up living in one of the homeless shelters that's being defunded by the city anyway.

*Still can't believe that California elected that clown as governor.  What exactly did they think were the qualifications for the job?

Thinking of Summer's daddy

I'm leaving New Orleans today; how I wish I could have been with Summer at her dad's memorial in Morgan City this morning.


Thinking of you sweet girl!

Hello from New Orleans!

I had no idea how badly I missed New Orleans until I got back here.  I couldn't stop grinning in the cab to my hotel in the Garden District . . . just seeing all the familiar street signs and fleurs de lis everywhere made me so happy.  Goodness, this city has a charm like no other city I've been to.

But first--before I got to New Orleans--I went to see Summer in Morgan City (where her family lives).  Summer's daddy passed away yesterday morning, as I waited to board my flight to New Orleans.  The timing was both horrible and perfect; I'm so sad that I didn't get there in time, but I'm grateful that I got to be with Summer last night . . . she and her mama and Mr. B were so welcoming and wonderful, despite the circumstances, and we sat together and had a little wine and looked at pictures of Daddy Butch with Summer's sister and niece.  It was sad, but it was wonderful to be with them.

Sadly, this is the only proof of our time together.  We drove to Summer's sister's house to pick up some fans (it is so hot & humid here!), and Adam snapped this picture of me and Summer with fans piled on top of us in the back seat of her mama's car!

Well, it's mostly true that that picture is our only proof.  There is one more (slightly clearer) version, but I forbid Summer from acknowledging it cause I had a double chin.  Ha.  

And here's a dose of extreme cuteness--I'm not normally a tiny-designer-dog loving person, but Summer's mama's dog is adorable.  

You should've seen her when she stole my apple slice this morning! 
3 lbs of mischief.  

And speaking of Summer's mama, she's practically my new BFF.  I loooooove her, and we're so much alike!  She's got blonde hair and she loves astrology and lots of gold bling and she is a vegetarian. :)  It was really nice hanging out with all of them, both to mourn Daddy Butch and to celebrate him.  Summer showed me a very sweet video of her daddy--all hooked up to machines--smiling so big when she started talking to him.  He was in his hospital bed and he was on oxygen, but his beautiful daughter was still making him laugh . . . .

This morning, when the family headed out to the funeral home, I drove back to New Orleans and checked into my hotel.  I'm so happy to be here!  The first thing I did was hop on the streetcar and head to our old college hangout, Maple St., where I had a $2.50 draft Abita:


and now I am stealing away a moment before meeting some folks at our other old college hangout, Lebanon's Cafe!  So excited.  More on New Orleans tomorrow!

Friday I'm trying-my-best-to-be-in-love!

This week has been a bruiser.  I couldn't be more welcoming of Friday, as I can't wait for this dang week to be over so that it can't do anymore damage.  Here are some out-takes from the week:

1. As you know, my dear friends' little brother, Adam, died.  Adam was the brother of Abe (my high school boyfriend/first love) and Marie (who is still a very close friend of mine).  Their whole family means so much to me, as I spent a lot of time with Adam, Lucas, and Marie growing up.  It was so special to be a part of their upbringing; they were Abe's little siblings, and therefore like mine, too.  We spent summers at the pool together, took trips to Florida, and all went camping at the lake.  All of them are so dear.  I can't stop looking at old pictures and just being so sad that Adam is gone.

His memorial is tomorrow, in Georgia, and it's eating me up that I can't go.

8/24/83 -- 10/17/10

Adam, Marie, Abe, Lucas

2. Summer's daddy is so sick.  She is in Louisiana by his side, and she is being very tough, but I know how hard it is for her to watch him suffer.  The doctors have said that he has possibly a month, but probably just days, to live.  And as most of you know, Summer has been through enough sadness this year (much less, this month).

3. A few months ago, my wallet was stolen from my office at Balboa.  I think some kid came in the back door (through the counseling office) and took it right out of my purse.  While I couldn't care less about the $20, the license/insurance card/debit cards/etc. etc. have been such a nightmare to replace.

Yesterday I went to the DMV to try to replace my license so that I will be able to rent a car at the New Orleans airport on Sunday and drive to Morgan City to be with Summer.  Thanks to several parking tickets (believe me: they are unavoidable if you live in San Francisco!), renewal registration fees, late fees (couldn't replace registration before replacing license), replacement license fee, etc. . . I wrote the biggest check I have ever written in my life.  And it was to the California DMV.  This was after I burst into tears at the counter because the man "helping" was so mean and insensitive.  I can't say how much I had to pay because my mama reads this and she is bound to give me a talkin' to if I give her any ammunition, but let's just say it was in the four digits.  


4. Eric went missing!  I could not get in touch with him Wednesday or yesterday by phone, which was enough to make me panic.  But then, I got a text message from someone at his job saying he hadn't shown up to work--no call or anything--and then I went straight into frenzy mode.  I couldn't stop crying, looked up San Francisco County and Contra Costa County obituaries (I couldn't help it; I'm anxious by nature and I had death on the brain this week), and was one step away from calling jails and hospitals when I FINALLY heard from him . . . he'd gotten stuck at his buddy's house in SF, after leaving his phone and keys at another friend's house, blahblahblah . . . needless to say, he is alive, and I have calmed down, but I might still do bodily harm to him after causing me that much stress.


Enough of that.  As of now, I'm preparing lesson plans for the sub next week (I get nervous leaving my little monsters in someone else's hands!) and getting ready to babysit all day long tomorrow.  All before going to the airport Sunday morning. Ay yay yay.

But in the spirit of positivity:


1. Eric is alive.

2. I get to see Summer on Sunday.

3. Halloween candy is in stores.

4. Judebug is cute.

Okay that's all I got.  Happy Friday!  The next time you hear from me, I might be in New Orleans, so hopefully I'll be more . . . chipper. ;)

Good weekend + sad day

Does everyone else feel a twinge of guilt when they stay home most of the weekend and watch copious amounts of tv (Saturday = Jersey Shore marathon, Sunday = NFL all day), even if you also take care of all kindsa cooking, laundry, and cleaning business?  I can't help it.  It feels so good to relax and be mellow, but I can't help but think of all the ways in which I could have been . . . adventurous.

Nonetheless, it was pretty delightful; both to allow myself the relaxation time, as well as to get a bunch of letters and packages written & ready, cook some meals for the week (broccoli quinoa casserole & "chicken" noodle soup!), do my laundry, catch up with my sweet cousin, auntie, and Summer on the phone, and straighten up the house . . . all to the sweet smell of a pumpkin spice candle!  Oh, and add "got over my fear of candles" to the list . . . I had an "incident" with a candle when I was 22 that resulted in my arm looking like this:

seven years later, aka today

But then last night came.  I went to bed at a normalish hour (12:30 or so?), and woke up suddenly around 3:30.  My phone was beside my bed, and for some reason, I immediately checked my email on my phone.  I saw that I had an email from my dear friend Marie, and strangely, I had a terrible pit in my stomach . . . Marie emails me regularly, so I don't know why I had such a bad feeling, but I guess intuition is unexplainable.  Her email said that her brother Adam (also, my high school boyfriend's brother; Marie is their sister) had died.  She was so upset in her email, and I was so shocked that I couldn't feel my legs, nor could I go back to sleep for the rest of the night.

I have so many wonderful memories of spending summers with Marie, Adam, and Lucas (and their big brother, Abe, of course).  When I was a teenager, they were like my younger brothers and sister, and I've been with them at weddings, funerals, and everything in between.  Adam was always such a sweet, sensitive boy.

So here I am, sad and zombie-like, at school today.  I told my 2nd period students what happened and to please bear with me.  Please be thinking of their family--it's gonna be a long, hard journey.