The Very Last Week of my 20s.

A week from today, I will be 30, and I'm sorta petrified.

I know better than to let the "norms" get to me, but lately, they've started creeping in.  Aren't I supposed to have gotten married by now?  Had a kid?  Bought a house?  Saved some money?  Maybe that last one would have been possible had I not decided to move to the second most expensive city in the country.


The scariest part is that the other day, I remembered a conversation I had with a co-worker at Balboa several years ago, and it felt like yesterday.  We were talking in my office, and I said, "Sometimes I just feel like I want to up and move to Argentina or something!"  He laughed and said, "How old are you?"  I said, "25."  And he said, "Yeah.  You're so young.  That's why you feel that way."

1. OMG how was I just 25 what feels like yesterday?  How on earth have 5 years passed by in the blink of an eye?
2. I still feel that way, sucka.

Here's how I've spent my summer, for the most part:

With some travel, visitors, good exercise, lots of time with Milo and Jude, and puzzling out a relationship thrown in.  Oh, and wasting a decent amount of time playing Tiny Tower.


I'm not a "bucket list" kind of person in the least.  I kinda feel like all of life is an adventure, and I have continuous goals/dreams/etc. that will span out my whole life . . . and they can't be diminished to a checklist of things I want to have accomplished by a certain age.  And yet, somehow, this coming week is shouldering a lot of pressure!  Last week of my 20's!  Anyone want to go to Vegas?

Quiet Time

It is damn near impossible for me to sit still.

I should ask my mama if this has always been true, or if it's a (bad) habit that I've cultivated over the years (and through an increasingly technology-dependent world).  If I am being honest, I will admit things like:

1. I don't really like to go to the movies because it requires me to sit still (and with decorum) for two hours, and

2. I get anxious during massage/acupuncture/anything like that--we're talkin' even LUX SPA TREATMENTS HERE--because I have to be motionless and quiet.  So mostly, I don't do these types of things.

Same goes for meditation.  I've tried it, repeatedly, as I know it would be so good for me & my restless soul.  And yet, my mind gets the best of me every time.  I can't stop thinking about the next moment.  Right now, I'm sitting on our incredible patio in Cabo San Lucas, looking across our private plunge pool into the rowdy Pacific.  I'm in a loose tank top and drinking a really good glass of red wine (that JJ shipped here from San Francisco).  This should be the most calming environment EVER, right?

I'm pretty calm right now . . . in Claire terms, anyway.  But still, my mind races with these thoughts:

~should I put on my cardigan or not?
~can't decide if I want to read blogs or read my book (Little Bee, btw)
~I think I left my dish in the sink & it's rude to leave it for the mayordomo
~tomorrow, would I rather run on the beach or go to the fitness center?
~I should be lesson planning


Etc., etc.  I'm not sure that I've ever just been IN THE NOW for more than two minutes.  I literally bob my leg up and down when I am sitting.  Constantly.  CANNOT BE STILL.

Anyone else have trouble with this?  Specific ideas for overcoming this incapacity for calm?

Hope you're somewhere as beautiful as I am right now.

Mass Uncertainty

I've had pretty serious anxiety my entire life. This anxiety is exacerbated when there is serious uncertainty in:

a) MY JOB

We still don't know whether or not my job is being funded for next year, and by "next year," I mean next month! I spoke to someone in one of the San Francisco city supervisors' offices today, and she basically said that it was hopeful--that funding was more promising than they'd originally thought--but that there wouldn't be a final answer for a while. I can hardly bring myself to search for jobs when I want so badly to keep my current job, especially when I think there's a decent chance. So stressful. :(

b) MY LIVING SITUATION

My roommate is moving out at the end of the month, and I have to find a new one pronto. My apartment is way too awesome to leave.

c) ETC.

(Let's just leave it at that). :)

But here are some things I'm happy about:

1. These notecards I got in the mail from sweet Tillie:

Aren't they amazing? Maybe you'll be lucky enough to get one from me. :)

2. My marathon phone conversation with Micaela this evening. Seriously, we talked on the phone for over two hours--till her phone died--and then for another hour on g-chat. I LOVE THAT GIRL! I'm so grateful for our friendship. Micaela and I understand each other implicitly . . . without explanation, without justification, without any hesitation. Every time I talk to her, I feel like I'm experiencing a full-body sigh of relief--like I'm releasing everything I'm thinking and feeling to someone who totally understands every bit of it.

3. Skype. Today I video-chatted with my dear cousin (basically: sister) Jennifer and my auntie Pat via Skype, and I felt so close to my Georgia home. It was my first time using skype! I love it, and am so grateful for modern technology.

And here is that which I'm just not so sure about:

I always thought work out videos were for wusses . . . until The 30 Day Shred. Jillian Michaels inspires fear, loathing, disgust, and excitement within me--all at the same time! Every time she calls Anita or Natalie "buddy" in her gross, smarmy voice, I want to throw my hand weight at the television screen. But at the same time, she gives me a delicious workout in 30 minutes within the cool comfort of my own home. It's your classic love/hate relationship.